Well, I got a girl's number. I'm going on a date with her Tuesday.
I'm sure for a lot of people, this doesn't mean much. For a lot of people, they get numbers all the time. They seem to do these things effortlessly. They have the benefit of social instincts which I was unfortunately underdeveloped in. Obviously they're on relationships were not made effortlessly, but they certainly seem a hell of a lot easier than how I approached them.
So when I get something like this, I'm quite ecstatic.
There's a nervousness there as well. A fear of failure, of losing what might be a wonderful relationship, as has occurred in the past. It doesn't help how much I've invested myself prior in the idea of relationships. I'm working on it, always working on it, but it's still there. In lesser degrees, perhaps, but it's still there.
To some extent I think I'm influenced by the same culture that influences so many relationships, as well their unpleasant endings. We live in a culture that prizes relationships above many other things. Single individuals, or individuals who are not active sexually, are often looked on with pity, women moreso for the former, men for the latter.
For an extended of time, I and my best friend struggled with the idea of relationships together, questioning whether we were ready for relationships, whether we would be happy in them, all of those things. Then she discovered that she wanted to be in relationships, got into one, and I was left feeling a little alone. Didn't help that I had lingering attraction to her, heretofore unexpressed, that made me feel all the more uncomfortable hearing about her own relationship adventures.
When she told me about her relationship, she was giddy and ecstatic. She talked about some difficulties she was having in the relationship, but in the manner of considering them quirks, rather than problems that might develop into something greater later. Again, I run the risk of being too influenced by my own feelings, but it seems to me that a lot of the giddiness and sheer joy which she is experiencing is the result of that wonderful pain in my ass that is infatuation, that outburst of chemical reactions that make us so entranced with someone's every move an action, and which is so often short lived. I've experienced that quite a few times, raising the person to a pedestal and viewing their every action as unutterably beautiful. Unfortunately, having difficulties in other areas, that infatuation developed into anxiety and obsession, which would typically mean the end of any possible relationship. Perhaps that's why I'm so cynical about it now.
It is perhaps a little ironic that infatuation itself has been raised on such a pedestal in our society. Romantic comedies are so often built around the manic joy of infatuation, that initial ecstatic attraction that makes every moment with the other person a joy. It's interesting to note that so many romantic comedies end when the relationship has been initiated proper, both players still filled with that infatuation.
Of course, infatuation is short lived. Some estimates I've read place it at, on average, lasting between six months and a year. Infatuation leaves, and the two players (or more, I don't mean to judge) are left looking at one another in their entirety, without rose-colored glasses. That's where things get complicated. Lacking the pure euphoria of before to tide them through their relationship troubles, they're left to actually rely on one another to solve their problems, and some relationships struggle with that, and ultimately fail. With my friend and her supposed infatuation, it's up to her and her boyfriend whether it will fail after the infatuation wears off, or if it will evolve into a deeper love.
Society doesn't talk as much about that deeper love, that love forged through time and effort. Society seems a lot more content to focus on the bubbly, effortless infatuation, and then has the gall to refer to that as "true love". So many of us are unfortunately negatively impacted by that perspective. When the initial high of a relationship ends, many of us are left confused, and hurt, not knowing that such a high always ends. What happened? I thought I loved this person. What when wrong?
We see this "true love", and we come to believe that it is that "true love" which will ultimately make us happy. For a long time I (and to some extent still do) viewed relationships as being able to solve many of my problems. I've had to work, with much support from others, to disabuse myself of that notion, and to learn to solve my problems by myself, rather than looking for a relationship itself to solve them. My best friend, interestingly, said that people are attracted to other people who are self-confident, and that impacted me in more ways than I think she realized. It helped me to realize that good, healthy relationships do not develop spontaneously, but rather arise from the union of two good, healthy people, mutually building one another up.
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